A Point of Origin

Chapter 18


A New Year Beginning

It’s almost New Years and a good time to start a new chapter. The idea for this one came during my morning meditation.

Part of my usual prayer is “Thank You, God, for Your Divine Plan for Good, now manifesting for me and those for whom I’m praying, in Divine Order and according to your will, your way, your time, your plan, your guidance and your inspiration.”

A Daily Reading speaks to this idea: “Through the power of God within me, my dream comes true and blesses others.”

It continues: “A divine plan for good is at work in my life and in the Universe. My dream is a part of that plan. It comes from God—a vision and desire planted in my soul.

“To outpicture this vision, I use my faculty of imagination. With my mind’s eye, I see myself achieving my dream. I allow myself to savor how it feels to see it accomplished.

“If I face challenges, I do not become discouraged. I keep focused on my vision and trust Spirit to reveal my purpose and direction. Confidently, I take the next step. My heart’s desire propels me through any obstacles.

“My dream comes from God, and it is for my soul’s unfoldment. I joyfully take my part in the divine plan and bless the world.”

The Bible verse reads: “You have given him his heart’s desire, and have not withheld the request of his lips” (Psalm 21:2).


The timing must be right, because in our Step 11 group, Rev. Casey talked about steps for fulfilling of dream or plans. We were to think about a time when we knew for sure that God had brought about the desired results. And then we were to think about our dream, and then think of step we could take that would bring about the desired results, knowing that God is with us, as He was in the past fulfillment. We then shared our story.

I spoke of how I definitely knew that God had been with me and brought about the good results of my ministry with Freedomers. My dream is the fulfillment of my Inner Freedom Ministry website. I said that having my “Pilgrimage to Kah-Nee-Ta” book published was a step in that direction, but Rev. Casey asked what I can do now, as a next step, and she suggested I could write a newsletter.

The idea made sense to me, because it is not overwhelming and it is conceivable to me. In Rev. Casey’s preliminary talk, she told of a man who had a dream and had pictures all over his wall, as a “Vision Board” for his desire, with a picture, in the center, of him talking with Oprah; a mighty dream, but he said, “It will never happen,” because that is what he really believed. Of course, that short-circuited the fulfillment of his dream. After all, God can only do for us, what he can do through us, and if we are blocking, with our negativity, it probably won’t happen. Not that God isn’t capable and can’t do it, but there are principles involved.

So, if the dream is too big and overwhelming, we take small steps that we can believe we can accomplish. Therefore, the newsletter idea seemed feasible. In fact, I said that I had already sent out a Christmas Newsletter. She replied that I should now send out another newsletter.

Help from the Twelve Powers and Disciples

I spent several hours in meditation this morning trying to figure out what the newsletter would be about and what I would write. The project became overwhelming: I could write about my Travel Series and refer people to my website to read the chapters, but I had looked at the Index and found that most of the links were no longer working, so I would have to renew them, which could be time-consuming and stressful; but possible.

Perhaps it would be better to focus on the Freedomers and refer readers to their stories, in each of the twelve books in that series, on my website. In that case, I would need to redo the first book and include Keith’s graphics with the story, but I would need Lorelei to assist me with that project and it would be too expensive for me, now. It will have to wait until I receive my inheritance.

How about my Money Matters Makeover series? It needs work on it too. But it is a possibility; in fact, it was once ready to offer as a course, when I was in partners with my friend Joyce, but she was so overwhelmed with the project that she kept blowing up her computer, and then she got married and the entire project went on hold. After her husband died, she gave up on life and went into a dying mode, while her daughter took care of her, until she too died; another of important people, in my life, who left, for one reason or another. I would need someone to handle the marketing aspects, such as receiving the money and sending the material and I’m not ready for that, yet.

Maybe I should forget the newsletter idea. But wait, I’m complicating the matter by trying to attach it to my website project. Furthermore, I’m thinking and not listening to God’s guidance.

I began enlisting the help of the Twelve Powers and I could see how I needed the support of each one, as I move ahead. When I came to Peter, I was reminded of the Bible verse: “Be faithful over little and I’ll put you over much.” Okay, start writing the newsletter and let God write it through me, like He does my chapters. I know for sure that He does the writing, because “I, of myself, can do nothing. It is the Father within, who does the work.” Good idea!

I jumped out of bed and noticed the sun shining brightly on this last day of December, as I’m already into the energies of the New Year. At the same time, I heard an airplane making its assent into the sky, with a loud noise, as if to get my attention and I thought of Zeal and Simon, the Zealot, as I began dressing and recited Charles Fillmore’s statement that I always use with Zeal: “I fairly sizzle with zeal and enthusiasm and I spring forth with a mighty faith to do the things that ought to be done by me.”

I was enthusiastic about writing my newsletter, but first I needed to write this chapter in order to allow God to write the ideas through me, as He is doing. Now, I am listening.

In the meantime, I continued calling forth the disciples and their Powers: I certainly needed James with Wisdom and Enlightenment and Philip with Power and Empowerment and Andrew with Strength and Courage. The Power of Imagination, mentioned in the Daily Reading, at the beginning of this chapter, with Nathaneal’s help, is a must for creativity, vision and visualization.

There’s no doubt that I need James, the Younger, with the Power of Order, to sort this project out and Thomas with Understanding is essential. Matthew, is already mentioned in the title and my prayer, which is included with Will. “God is Love” and All is God, so All is Love, therefore, Love is always an essential part, as is Life, with John. As I’ve said elsewhere, I combine Jesus with Judas, for the Power of Life, which has been my mainstay during the month of December, which went smoothly and easily, despite all the family upheaval.

A New Era for Our Family

Speaking of the family, which is part of the Life subjects, Dottie and Steve are now moved and peacefully settling into their new location and a new era in their lives. Airica and her husband, Steve, are also moved and launching into a new era in their life as husband and wife. Gail will be moved in less than a week. And so, life goes on for my family, as I move forward with my projects.

As I mention Dottie, it reminds me of another stumbling block to my newsletter. In order to start this email correspondence, I would need a new Mailing List for that purpose and I don’t remember how to accomplish that. Also, I ran out of return address labels, so I will need to print more. Dottie helped me with the last printing and she knows how to do that, so I’ll need to wait until she’s more settled, before I ask her. I think she can help with the Mailing List too, so I can, at least, get the names listed. So, now I have two projects, which motivated me to jump out of bed this morning, before I realized that I needed to write this chapter. It will continue, as my projects unfold.

I am Ready to Welcome the New!

I spent the afternoon putting away my Christmas/December/Life (red) decorations and replacing them with royal blue table decorations and blue sheets for Faith, the January Power.

It felt good to make the change and be ready for the New Year and new Power, after I returned from the pizza and cards celebration with the seven card players.

It also felt good to read the Daily Reading for this last day of 2014: “I am ready to welcome the new!” It continues: “Today I honor what has been and welcome what is to come. I give thanks for the year that it is ending, for all my experiences, and the growth of my soul. I am ready to say goodbye to past event, the challenges that strengthened my faith, and the blissful moments that made me whole.

“I create a personal ceremony for letting go. I imagine myself as a sacred vessel from which I pour out the past. With each gentle breath, I release everything to God. Reverently, I let go. I feel lighter in mind, body, and soul. I rest in the holy emptiness, trusting Spirit to fill it with Divine Love. On the threshold of a new beginning, I am ready to welcome new growth.

I am cleansed, refreshed, and optimistic. I am grateful and open to God’s good.”

The Bible verse reads: “I am about to create new heavens—a new earth; the former things are shall not be remembered” (Isaiah 65:17).

As I wrote on my Christmas cards: Love and Blessings in 2015.

A New Beginning

Here it is! 2015! A new beginning! By all rights, I should be starting a new chapter, but I’ve already started this one and I feel there will be more to add, so I’ll start with the Daily Reading, which seems to continue with the idea from the idea of yesterday’s Reading for the end of 2014.

It says: “I am ready and willing to start anew!” It continues: “Today I begin anew! I welcome fresh opportunities to make positive changes in my life. With the help of God, I maintain my intentions affirmatively and work toward my goals.

“If I tried to make a change in the past but did not succeed, I realize that, in truth, I did not fail. I simply tried an approach that did not work. I learned from my efforts, and they moved me forward. By discovering what didn’t work, I am one step closer to success.

“New beginnings spur innovative ideas and revive my energy. I have the will and desire to begin anew, and I persevere to follow my calling. I am ready for a new day; the beginning of the rest of my life, and I infuse fresh energy into all my endeavors.”

The Bible verse affirms: “A new heart I will give you, and a new spirit I will put within you” (Ezekiel 36:26).

Lost: Getting on Track

I know that God is guiding me, because this Reading reminds me of a conversation with my friend, Doris, earlier today. She was saying that she had gotten off track, with her writing and she was trying to get back again. She said the problem brought to mind a time when she went into a library through one door, but later, she had left by another door and she was totally turned around; nothing looked familiar and she was lost, until she realized what had happened and she re-entered the building and found the door where she had first entered; then she was on track, again.

She said that she needs to get back on track with what she intended writing, which were the stories of her childhood and life that she wants to leave as a legacy to her children and grandchildren. Now, she’s trying to write the stories, as she once told them to her great-grandson, which is somewhat of a challenge to her, until she gets her bearings and heads in the right direction.

The Power of Faith

Yesterday, because January is the month for the Power of Faith, I took out the file with all of my “Faith” material: the January “Rainbow Connections,” based on Faith, from 1982, ’83, and ’84, plus a different publication, “Inner Freedom Support Connection” I did on my computer in 1996 and Newsletters written through the years and several efforts to compile the material, including a book titled, “Faith is Saying ‘Yes’ to God,” with graphics done by my friend, Keith Smyth, which I took out of the 12- booklet format “Saying ‘Yes’” series. The ongoing Faith material isn’t even included, but it is on my website in the Rainbow Connection collection.

The above-mentioned material is only for the subject of Faith. I have material for each of the Twelve Powers, plus three more series’: Journey to Inner Freedom, Money Matters Makeover, and Journey of Recovery.” In 2014, I started a new series, Starting Point, which includes this book: A Point of Origin; and I am now writing about Faith.

OMG! I’m overwhelmed just writing this much. I can’t imagine what it will be like to try to organize it. The answer is to find someone professional who can put it all together properly.

Doris called me back to talk about the above-mentioned Daily Reading and I tried to tell her my ideas and she went into overwhelm. I said, “This is the problem. I’ve got to write about it and explain it more simply, so it isn’t overwhelming.

I am Awakening

I could hardly wait until Sunday for the White Stone Service. It is based on Revelations 2:17: “I will give him a white stone, with a new name written on the stone, which no one knows except him who receives it.” Apparently, in those times, a white stone with a new name was given to prisoners who were released, to prove they were free, or to slaves to show their freedom, so the white stone represents freedom and a fresh start; a new beginning, which fits in nicely with the New Year.

At Unity, the white stones, which come from an abandoned marble mine near Bethlehem, are passed around in small baskets and we select the stone of our choosing. As part of the service, we enter into silent meditation and listen for the new name that we are to write on the stone and use, as our secret new name. Usually, the word has a special meaning and message just for the one who receives it.

I didn’t hear the name, during the meditation, but I understood that the name is revealed in the Daily Reading mentioned above. I tried to remember what it said, but could only remember that it was about new beginnings and learning from past failures and knowing that we will succeed.

As Rev. Lisa continued talking, after the meditation, she spoke of awakening, and I realized that is the word, my new name: Awakening! I understood that it is as if I have been asleep or in a coma (as a result of Van leaving me), and I am finally awakening and “Ready and Willing to start anew,” as affirmed the Opening statement of the Daily Reading. My mind recalled the conversation with Doris, as I’ve written above, and it all fit together with the message that goes with my new name.

Later that night, while watching Joel Osteen on TV, his talk reaffirmed the same message that despite our past failures or mistakes, God keeps his promises and He will still fulfill our dreams or goals. One of my favorite Bible verses came to me: “For I know the plans that I have for you, plans for good and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope” (Jeremiah 29:11). Like Snow White, I am Awakening.

I am coming out of the sleep and awakening to fulfill the plans that God has for me. As the title of this book says, it is “A Point of Origin,” and the best is yet to be. The next Daily Reading says it well: “I have confidence in my innate potential to be all I am meant to be.”

It continues: “To express my God-given potential, I approach life like a child or an athlete. A young child gains confidence in new abilities through repetition. An athlete strengthens his or her muscles through consistent workouts. Similarly, when I engage in my spiritual practice, I strengthen my awareness and discover my innate abilities.

I have the energy and perseverance to do what is mine to do. As I explore my skills, I cultivate my confidence. In my daily prayer time, I align with my divine nature. I listen and I trust. I envision myself claiming all the courage I need to take on new responsibilities. I have confidence in my talents and skills. With a clear intention and faith in the Christ within, I achieve my full potential.”

The Bible verse reads: “Do not abandon that confidence of yours; it brings a great reward” (Hebrews 10:35).

This Reading mentions “confidence,” a subject that I have not associated with the Power of Faith, but it definitely relates, as do other subjects mentioned, such as trust and faith, which I’ll discuss more, as we move through the subjects later.

Are you Awake or Asleep?

Before continuing, I’ll review the information relating to the Power of Faith, since January is the month of New Beginnings. The color for Faith is dark blue. Charles Fillmore, Unity co-founder, who wrote the original book, “Twelve Powers of Man,” states that it is located in the Pineal Gland, however Dr. Robert Knapp, who co-authored “Twelve Powers in You,” writes: “I have positioned the faith power in the same general location, but have placed it primarily in the cerebrum of the brain. Fillmore wrote that faith is the ‘perceiving power of the mind.’ In the physical body, this ability to perceive takes place in the cerebrum. The cerebrum contains the key cells and centers that serve as the computer circuitry for anchoring and experiencing our thoughts, feelings and memories; and for coming into communion with our spiritual self.

“In Fillmore’s time, the pineal was commonly referred to as being the seat of the soul. In esoteric anatomy, the pineal is the endocrine gland that corresponds to the crown chakra at the top of the head. Moreover, we now know that the pineal secretes the hormone melatonin, which helps to regulate whether the cerebrum is in its awake or sleep mode. Thus, for all of these reasons, it is understandable why Mr. Fillmore would have designated the pineal as being the faith center.”

Did you see what I just saw, as I was rewriting those words? They spoke to the cerebrum as being involved in the awake or in sleep mode (coma). No wonder my awakening is taking place during this month with the Power of Faith. Now, I’m even more excited about my new name and message it brings.

In any event, the disciple for Faith is Peter, who certainly relates to faith, in the Bible, as his stories tell of wavering faith, even denying he knew Jesus, but eventually he learned steadfastness and became the rock upon which the church was built. You can read about him in the Bible and I’ve written his story in my “Transformations 12 Powers” in the Faith session.

Faith in Action

I like what Sig Paulson says about faith: “Faith is the energy that can change the mental and emotional patterns of your own consciousness. … Let your faith work until it changes your prevailing attitudes of mind for the better, and you will have the evidence of an outer change for good that is already on the way.”

Sig refers to a subject mentioned above: “Confidence is faith in action, and as you continue to believe in the light, old habits of worry and anxiety are lifted right out of your experience. … It is difficult and almost impossible to overcome worry by a direct attack, but the establishment of the confidence habit will replace worry. I have seen the confidence, faith- in-action therapy work miracles in many, many, many people.”

Sig suggests an affirmation that I put in the first person: “Faith in action is making me the confident, radiant self-expression of the light of the world that I am.”

Better and Better

This story just gets better and better, and confirms that God is guiding my process of awakening. For instance, Tuesday I finally got another appointment, at the Richmond Clinic, for free acupuncture where Charles is supervisor of the students from NCNM (National College of Natural Medicine) where I went to their clinic, before my stroke and congestive heart failure required medical treatment. However, I am thrilled that OHSU (Oregon Health and Science University) offers free acupuncture at their Richmond Clinic where my primary care doctor has his office and he suggested the acupuncture treatment for me.

The last term, for the students had ended and I dreaded having to adjust to the new team, however, to my delight, I saw Seth, the student who had given me the treatment when Charles directed him to unblock the “HW,” which began the freeing of energy that had been locked since my ex-husband, Van, left me. I’ve felt better ever since, but I knew it was time for more acupuncture treatment to assist me through further awakening. Seth seemed to have special insight into me and my spiritual path and I’d wanted more treatments with him, but the policy is “First come first served,” and I always missed him, so I had other students.

I didn’t know that Seth would be returning, so when he came out to get his first patient, I asked if he would take me. Hooray! He did and he remembered me and the treatment he gave me, so we simply continued from where we left off, with the guidance of the supervisor, Charles, who is also attuned to my spiritual path and the treatment for me. Thank You, God! I know that I am on the right path for my further awakening, which I discussed with Seth and Charles.

The Abandonment Syndrome

I knew the treatment was intense and releasing energy on a deeper level, but I wasn’t expecting it to take several days before it cleared and I felt okay again. I guess I should have suspected as much, because it is clearing blocked energy from such a deep level; not only relating to Van’s leaving me, but apparently there is still residue from my parents separating when my mother was placed in a mental institution because of her schizophrenia. I was taken to live with Mom and Dad Freeland, which turned out to be good, until we moved to Portland and she started drinking and became an alcoholic, but that’s another story that I’ve already written. My baby brother, Gary, was placed in a nursery, until our dad divorced Mom and married Ermith, and then he lived with them and their two boys, who came along later.

The Abandonment Syndrome has left its impact on me, which interferes with my confidence in moving forward with my website plans, but these acupuncture treatments seem to be removing and releasing those deep energies.


Despite feeling strange, I took some forward steps, such as making an appointment on the Grocery Shuttle and arranging to stop at the Post Office, before continuing to Fred Meyers. I accomplished two important factors in taking care of myself.

First, at the Post Office, I requested that the letter I had written to a former associate about terminating our former agreement be sent as Certified Mail, so I would have a notification that she had received it. I also asked that she reply to my letter by a certain date, since it had been four months since I sent her an email and she never responded, so I don’t know if she received it or not. Now, I will know. I stated that if I did not receive a reply, I would assume that she is relinquishing any attachment to my writings or website.

Getting a completion on this relationship and her intentions about my material is vital for me to move forward. Since mailing the Certified Letter, I already feel a sense of release and freedom, no matter whether she responds or not. In fact, it is exhilarating.

The stop at Fred Meyers was important because I bought the bus tickets, before I ran out, so I can continue riding the Lift bus when necessary.

In fact, today I will ride the Lift bus to take my computer to Fix My Dead PC and then return home on it, rather than wait until my son can take me. In other words, I am being independent and responsible. It’s all part of the awakening process.

What a Good Guy!

I’m back, and my computer is, again, working properly. I learned some new things and I’m ready to move forward. Don wasn’t going to charge me, which, at first, felt good, but the more I thought about it the worse I felt, so I was going to pay him half of the full hourly price. He insisted I only pay him $20.00, so we settled on that. What a good guy! Thank You, God, for sending me to him. I think Lorelei told me about him.

One of my next steps is to talk with her about future publishing for my E-books and other matters.

“Faith is Saying ‘Yes’”

Now that I’ve told my story, for the month, to this point–and it’s only the second week—I’ll mention the subjects, which may take some time, because I’ll have more to say about each one, as I’m writing. For instance, my “Saying ‘Yes’ series,” which includes the Freedomers, replies to the Home Study Activities, begins with Agreements and Commitments, which are intense subjects for anyone, let alone Freedomers (inmates seeking inner freedom), so their responses are intriguing, not only on these subjects, but throughout the entire course.

Believe it or not, it wasn’t until last night, two days after mailing my certified letter, that I realized the significance of completing this project during the month of January, and the subjects of Agreements and Commitments. In all reality, this is a classic example, because ours were not fulfilled; by either one of us.

She had agreed to design the website for my Money Matters Makeover course, which never happened in four years; she was always too busy with her own projects. Good codependent that I am, I always excused her with the statement that it would get done in God’s Time, which I still believe. However, what other factors are involved?

It is said that God can only do for us what He can do through us, but I’m not actually convinced of that statement, because I believe that God can do whatever He chooses. After all, God is the One Presence and the One Power, but what about Quantum Physics and other beliefs, even Unity, which state that we create our own reality by our thinking and our beliefs?

So, here we come to another subject, under the heading of Faith, which is Beliefs. I’m convinced that we experience our reality according to our beliefs, that’s why there are so many religions. I also believe that there are many paths and each one will lead to the desired results: Oneness, Heaven, or whatever we are seeking. In other words, there is not one right way; they all get us there, eventually; wherever we desire to get, whether it is streets paved with gold and God sitting on a throne or the realization that God is Spirit; invisible Energy, Substance or Principle.

This may be blasphemy for many, but it is Truth, for others. It is all a matter of beliefs and we should each remain true to our own beliefs, unless and until we are convinced that another is the right way. It’s like going from kindergarten through college and beyond; at each level we are learning something new, beyond what we knew before, until we graduate, and then we start all over again, learning by experience. Anyway, that’s my belief. What is yours?

Trust becomes more evident, as we begin to answer the above question. Can we trust our beliefs, our faith, our God? Regarding Trust, I wrote: “Have you ever awakened in the night frightened of the darkness? You shook with fear, and didn’t know where you were. Then you turned on the light and when you saw your familiar surroundings you felt safe again. Trust is like that. The Light of Understanding that turns on inside us when we are assured of God’s guidance that soothes our fears. We may hear words spoken by another person, or read the exact words we need at the time, or attend a seminar that gives us needed input. Or, we may hear the ‘still small voice,’ the inner Voice of God speaking to us as intuition, knowing, understanding.”

What is your Faith? In my course, I wrote: “Once we have learned to Trust God we move to a deeper level of Commitment called Conviction: “I know and I know that I know.” Conviction must come before we can surrender. Why? Because holding out or holding back from God does not work. It is a fingers-crossed commitment, which says, “I hope I can trust God, but what if He doesn’t give me what I want?” You are still trying to tell God and that is worshiping false idols; things that are more important to us than unconditional dependence upon God’s will.”

In other words, Faith is total surrender to God’s will. Trust, without fingers crossed. I wrote about the Israelites finally making that choice when he said: “As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord,” and when he asked for their response. They said: “The Lord our God we will serve, and his voice we will obey.” The River Jordan represents our personal negative consciousness, which cannot be crossed until we surrender. Only then were they able to cross the River Jordan, on dry land. I’ve written an entire course, “Journey to Inner Freedom” on the symbology of their Exodus. The booklet for Faith is titled: “What is your Focus?”

Back to the previously mentioned Agreement,  obviously we had not reached the level of Conviction, nor had we surrendered the false idols that came between us and the desired results. In fact, I’m wondering if I have, as yet, completely made that choice? I’m convinced that the last twelve years that I’ve lived here, in the Old Folks Home, has been like Paul and Job, of the Bible, before they finally reached the place where they could move forward.

New Year’s Brouhaha

In fact, I’ve experienced another session of challenge or testing that began on New Year’s Day. I sat with the card players enjoying a feast of the leftover pizza, from our New Year’s Eve dinner, when another resident burst into the room and unleashed a fit of rage on us. I had no idea what she was angry about and I felt victimized by her onslaught, especially on this special day of New Beginnings.

She left and returned to her usual position on the computer, while we were stunned and tried to recover our festive mood. One of our gals went into the computer room and asked her to come into the hall, so she could explain her version of the incident that had spawned the wrath, but she refused, because she was so “hot.” So, our gal loudly explained that it was not them, but someone else who had caused the problem.

In the meantime, someone at our table explained that it had to do with the fact that the computer gal had popcorn and a drink at the computer, on New Year’s Eve. Food is forbidden in the computer room, but she maintains that she had permission.

In any event, it’s typical of the sort of thing that goes on in Old Folks Homes and I should have ignored it, especially since it had nothing to do with me. However, I’m extremely sensitive to energies and I felt as if I’d been physically attacked, so I withdrew into myself, hoping to avoid her and any further onslaught.

Yet, the next day, while I was waiting for my son, Marquam, she appeared and asked me what was said about the brouhaha. I was taken aback by her presence, let alone her question, and I didn’t want to get involved, so I tried to say something non-offensive, but all I could say was, “They said it wasn’t their fault.”

Just then, someone else walked up as she started in again, stating that they were lying and blaming her friend for something they did. I walked away and let her deliver her statements to the other person, which now dragged her into the dispute. Marquam arrived and I left, but my mood had been affected.

When I got home, I sat in the Community Room to work on the puzzle when another person from the card group came in and started complaining about the meals before the Bingo game being unnecessary and too expensive to prepare, in fact, one lady had spent $40.00 for the California steak casserole with dumplings. She announced that she and the other lady wouldn’t be going to the meals any more.

By this time, I’d had enough negativity and complaining, so I decided to avoid everyone and stay in my room, unless leaving the building.

Finally, when coming back from the computer repair, one of the ladies greeted me and commented that they hadn’t seen me and missed me. I walked into the room, where she was working a puzzle with another card player, and I made a decision to explain that I was upset over the New Year’s Day episode and also the problems about the Bingo meals.

Both ladies said I should just ignore it, because everyone was just upset from the holidays and, in fact, the rage lady had come in and apologized the next day, so everything and everyone had calmed down. She also explained that she wasn’t going to eat the Bingo meals because she is dieting and trying to lose weight from all the holiday eating. She again asked me to rejoin the card players, adding that they had to quit the night before at 6:30, because there weren’t enough card players.

I must say, this conversation and the gesture for me to be included was very healing for me and I agreed that I would rejoin them. She said she would call me, later, for cards, but she didn’t; probably because they had enough players, but that was okay, because I was watching television, anyway.

I don’t know about Bingo, although I enjoy the meals, but, I have an ongoing phone call appointment, during the Bingo time, so I’ll have to see how that unfolds, along the way.

Another Aspect of Awakening

Awakening is a word that I had not associated with Faith, but I now realize is very much appropriate, since it was given to me as my new name. In fact, I have become more aware of its relevance, as the month is progressing and as I’m writing my story of the month.

In fact, while writing about the brouhaha and one person’s comments that the upheaval was a result of the holiday energies, I realize that most of us – if not all—have memories of the past holidays with family, friends and activities; most of them good, but some not so good. I can see, now, that the rage and hassle of New Year’s Day probably triggered, for Joanie, my inner child, the memory of that Christmas when she was 2-1/2-years old, when my mother had her first schizophrenic episode and was placed in a mental institution. It may not have been on Christmas Day, but it was close, because my dad once mentioned that the Christmas presents were under the tree, so it’s obvious that the events of that incident were triggered by the brouhaha.

Such an awakening of an intense memory can also serve to bring it out of the memory cells and release those energies, which is an important healing process and can occur on many levels, especially when triggered. So, I call the experience a plus, as I continue forward.

I might add, as it is being brought to my attention, that another factor contributed to the triggering of my reactions. As I’ve mentioned earlier, one of the original oldest residents here was taken to the hospital, before Christmas, and then to a Care Facility, and we were recently told that she will not be returning here, as she will need to remain where she will have ongoing care, so it is the end of an era. Not only that, but her best friend who moved here, at the same time, is now free from caring for her and plans to move to Montana to be near her family and familiar places. Another resident is also waiting for her name to be called on a list to move to another area.

When I put all this change and moving together with the fact that Dottie, my daughter and her husband, and granddaughter, Airica, and her husband, and my daughter, Gail, have all moved within the last two weeks, plus their stepmother will move in March, I can see how my Abandonment Syndrome got triggered, big time. Now that I realized this, and remind Joanie, my inner child, that we are staying put and safe, I can release that huge amount of stored energy and use it for forward movement.

How to Create a BLOG

Speaking of moving forward, after I got my computer fixed and back home, I spent some time on my computer looking up “How to Create a BLOG,” and discovered that it’s far more complicated than I thought. But, at least I took another step forward by looking into the matter, which gave me the idea that I must wait for the right person to carry this project forward and do it right; that means professionally by someone who knows what they are doing. So, again, I wait.

In the meantime, I need to make decisions as to which programs to work with first, and in what order, as I have so many. For instance, while adding to this chapter, I re-read the booklets I wrote on Faith and Trust. The material is still good and needs to be available as E-books, so instead of waiting to get the material all together in one big book, I should present it as the individual booklets: “Yes; Agreements and Commitments,” “Believing is Seeing,” “In God we Trust,” and “What is your Focus?”

Mostly, I need to await God’s guidance and then I will know what to do. For now, just adding to this chapter has been overwhelming, as well as healing, like the acupuncture treatments, and I feel the need to rest.

“I am Unique and my Life is Unique”

I’m back and rested! I love this Daily Reading and it fits right in with what I’ve been writing: “I create an authentic life.” It continues: “As this new year begins, I focus on my life—where I have been and where I see myself going. I review my accomplishments and mistakes with honesty. What am I most proud of? What do I want to change and how? I begin by accepting my current circumstances honestly.

“Each new year brings unlimited possibilities to write a new story. I am true to myself and focus on what is really important. From this awareness, I create an authentic life that reflects who I truly am.

“I am unique and my life is unique. I am creator, director, and writer of my story, and I direct it in a way that brings the greatest joy for myself and others. As I live authentically, I enjoy a life of well-being and love.
The Bible verse says: “For this I was born, and for this I came into the world, to testify to the truth” (John 18:37).

Bye, Bye Toxic Energies

This Reading speaks to many things I’ve already written in this chapter and more that I will be writing, no doubt. In fact, it has been over a week since I wrote the above and I feel the need to update, before continuing, although I’m not aware of much forward activity.

In fact, until Tuesday, when I again had acupuncture with Seth, I’d felt as if I’d slid backwards, like before the unblocking acupuncture treatment, and I discussed the matter with Seth and his supervisor, Charles, who immediately understood the problem and what to do about it, as he instructed Seth where to apply the needles; mostly in my back, which had been hurting, and focusing on heart and kidney energy points.

I felt a sense of relief, after one of the back treatments and Seth said it released nervous energy. Thank goodness for Seth and Charles, and their years of training, so they understand what is happening in my body, as it releases the energy that has been blocked; not only from the abandonment when my husband, Van, left, but even deeper; to the trauma when my parents left and I went to live with my grandparents. Even though that was a positive improvement in my life, it still left deeply buried pain in the cells of my body, which I instinctively knew were being opened and released, which accounts for my feeling so toxic, after the previous treatment.

Thankfully, this session had completed that “awakening” process. In fact, immediately afterward, I went across the hall for my monthly session with my therapist, Bethany, whom I hadn’t seen for two months, due to the holidays.

As I related the events, since Thanksgiving, I realized how much trauma, relating to my Abandonment Syndrome, I’d been through; and I understood why it had affected me so deeply, especially being this same time of year as the original trauma when I’d been permanently separated from my mother and dad. Yet, this time the effects were not so devastating and disruptive. In fact, I’d survived them much better than in the past and the acupuncture treatments had been part of that healing process, which felt completed, when I finished relating the story to Bethany. Thank You, God; I am ready to move forward, as those toxic energies are released; emotionally and physically.

In fact, I have been playing cards and Bingo, plus enjoying the dinner, even though it was bean and ham soup, which is not my favorite.

Living in an Old Folks Home gives ongoing opportunities for dealing with the loss factor and during this week, I have had two events to challenge my progress. The first was the reality of Rita’s things being moved from her apartment and some placed on the Free Table for everyone to see and pick through. I once told my daughter, Dottie, not to put my things out there when I’m gone. I keep telling myself I should get rid of as much stuff as possible, but I can’t seem to bring myself to releasing my collection of books, records, tapes and videos; they are like old friends and I want to keep their energies near me. So, Dottie will have to deal with it, when the time comes. She’s good at it and will do it easily, without attachment, as she’s done the same with her sister, Gail’s things, which was even harder, because she was only in her early sixties and still alive, but unable to live alone, after her stroke.

The second challenge came when I learned that the son of my downstairs neighbor, who lives beneath me, had suddenly died, as a result of cancer, from Asian Orange. I’ve watched the deterioration of this man and heard his sad story, through the years, as it’s taken its toll on his mom and nearly killed her, in the process; both mother and son were reduced to skin and bones, from the ordeal and it’s a release, for them both, although so hard on the mom (at ninety and looking seventy), who is now so stressed she is barely able to care for herself, let alone tend to his final arrangements.

Thankfully, a neighbor here is helping her through the process, but the son’s landlady is trying to claim his furniture and other belongings, which is adding more stress and the son can’t be cremated until his estranged daughter signs papers; not his mother, but his daughter, is considered next of kin.

Despite an upset between us, some years ago, the neighbor and I have been friendly, so I stopped to give her comfort and my condolences and she was glad to see me, as I listened to her story, between her grieving sobs, about her son’s lifelong challenges.

Finally, I gently suggested that she needs to release all that and focus on being in the Present Moment and taking care of herself. Although she has been in remarkable good health, she is now terribly thin and frail, so I suggested she should fix herself something to eat, and she said she would do that, as I got up to leave and pointed her toward the refrigerator. I came upstairs to my room and prayed for her, as I heard her fixing some soup that her neighbor had given her.

I wondered if I should have helped her prepare the soup, but it seemed that she needed to do this so she could focus on the Present Moment, instead of thinking about all the pain and suffering her son had endured, along with the normal symptoms of grief, such as feeling bad that he had died alone and she hadn’t been there with him to say she loved him, despite the fact that she had done everything humanly possible to help the man, and she had recently seen him and told him that she loved him.

I’m thinking about my friend, Margie, and the shock when she walked into her son’s motel room and found him dead, from a sudden heart attack at only 54-years of age; the same age as my son. Her son, too, had been in pain for many years, from a back injury at work and she had been doing everything possible to help him through his many challenges. She too grieved over the loss of her son, but they both needed the release from his pain and anguish, as did my neighbor and her son; yet, they feel the loss so deeply and must be allowed to feel their loss and grief.

My Gift to Them; Theirs to me

My son, Marquam, too, has had his challenges, but I’m thankful for Codependents Anonymous (CODA), which helped me learn to release my family members and other loved ones, in a healthful way; for them, as well as myself. I’m grateful to CODA for giving me my life and teaching me to release my kids to live their own lives and I can see the positive results in their lives, as well as my own, because they are free from the attachment that I would have had on them, if I had continued to relate, as I had in the past.

Sometimes I feel sad that they don’t spend more time with me, but I have to remind myself that is the gift I gave them; and also a gift to myself, as I’ve learned to be independent and God-dependent; and I’ve allowed them to live their own lives.

Several years ago I thanked my son for the time he had spent with me, since I returned to Oregon, and I told him that when I’m gone, he’s not to feel he should have done more, because he had already done so much. I think that released him, because he has been much more independent ever since. Hopefully, that is a gift I gave to him. Now, as agreed, between us, since I receive the extra money from my ex-husband’s Social Security, I pay him for transportation and cleaning my apartment, from which we both benefit.

My daughter, Dottie, and I also have an agreement, that I give her and her sister, Gail, a monthly amount, and she helps me with computer projects or other matters, as needed. Although Gail no longer is able to help me, due to her stroke, she did a lot, in the past, after my husband left, and I found myself “Suddenly Single at Seventy,” (The subtitle of a book,  “Adventures of the Uncharted Regions”) when she and I both lived in Bend.

“Knocking on Doors”

I’m skipping along, now, to another “Awakening” project that came to me while talking with Doris about surprise endings to stories, reminded me of my book, “Knocking on Doors.”

I felt God-Guided to re-read the book, after it sitting in its file for over the twelve years, since my ex-husband, Van, left. The book had started to tell the story of Van’s financial search after his job layoff from corporate downsize, and his multi-level marketing experience. However, as it unfolded, we discovered it’s really about Van finding himself through discovering his inner child, and through him, developing his relationship with his spiritual self.

Re-reading the book, I’m reminded that it is about Van’s pattern changes, as he comes face-to-face with himself, his controlling patterns, and his limitations as he desperately attempts to make his fortune in multi-level-marketing. It’s the inward journey Carl Jung discusses that takes us through our stuff and into our soul. The book focuses on recognizing and changing patterns at a far deeper level than we ever thought we wanted to know.

I’d prefer not to revisit those challenges, however, it serves in my “Awakening” process, to recall what we went through and my process of writing about it. Worst of all is the fact that I still haven’t gotten the project completed, even though the book is included on my website, under the heading, “Money Matters Makeovers,” which is a complete course or workshop. In other words, it’s another incompletion that I must get completed. But how?

“I Pursue my Dreams”

The Daily Reading speaks to the answer: “Emboldened by Spirit, I pursue my dreams.” It continues: “Whether I want to move across the country or write a book, I can make my dreams come true. Dreams are ideas in the Mind of God. They arise in my heart because I am a spiritual being, always in the process of becoming. As I listen to my heart, I take bold steps toward my vision. To manifest it, I put my thoughts, feelings, and words into actions.

“As I pursue my dreams, I feel joy, peace, and freedom. If self-doubt arises, I rekindle my faith and get back on track. I boldly affirm my heart’s desire and proceed one step at a time. As I confidently walk toward my dreams. I am emboldened by Spirit.
The Bible verse quotes: “So they remained for a long time, speaking boldly for the Lord, who testified to the word of his grace by granting signs and wonders to be done through them” (Acts 14:3)

A Codependents Downward Spiral and Recovery

If I thought re-reading “Knocking on Doors,” was difficult, it was a breeze compared to the next two days, when I re-read the companion book, “A Codependents Downward Spiral and Recovery,” about my story of facing the depths of my disease; and it is a disease, just as every addiction is a disease, because it has a cause, it’s progressive, it can be fatal, and it has a cure. The problem with codependency is that it is not as simple as simply abstaining, such as alcohol, cigarettes and drugs. The recovery program is life long and it is much more intense and complicated.

In fact, after reading both books, I feel as if I’m going through the same process, with the same problems, and I haven’t made any progress. However, I also know, from my own writings, that the recovery process is cyclic and spherical, like a nautilus, and as we spiral upward, we pass through what looks the same, but it’s on a higher level of recovery, and each period of progress takes us to the next level. For instance, it may feel like I haven’t made any progress, but, in reality, I know that I am closer to the other side, to the soul, as Carl Jung explains the process.

I wondered if I need to be attending a CODA group, but the answer is “No.” Reading through these two books is certainly a crash course, as I’m experiencing a recall of the entire process, which is actually a part of the healing.

My frustration is that the books still aren’t available for the benefit of others; and I wonder if they ever will be. Yet, I know that it is all a matter of God’s timing and it will all happen at the right time and in the right way, without my stressing over it. My only part is to allow the healing process to unfold; in other words, let go and let God.

Apartment Inspection Preparation and More

I know this is a God-thing, because I had decided to create a place to put some plastic storage containers of pictures, audios and videos, in preparation for the annual Apartment Inspection, which is due Monday.

There is space in a corner of my living room, on top of some other storage boxes, but I wanted to look in them to see what I would be covering. The first one turned out to be old manuscripts, in various stages of editing, awaiting completions, for the past twenty-years. Okay, so I took time to look through them and decide what had already been done and could be thrown away, and what needed completion. I felt proud of myself, as I threw away several piles.

However, the project got me side-tracked, as I started reading the two books mentioned above, which was probably God’s purpose, in the first place; to bring me to here, which is another step in my Awakening. Nevertheless, I still have to move the containers away from the heater, according to the Rules. Now, the question is: What will I put in the empty box and what is in the other boxes? I may have more to write about, after I complete the project.

It took me several days to complete the process of selecting what to save or throw away, before I finally dumped most of the manuscripts, plus reading the two books.

In the meantime, Marquam had agreed to vacuum my apartment, clean the oven and do the other requirements for the Inspection, but he announced that he would be busy over the weekend and would do it Monday, after work. I had checked with the manager and she said they wouldn’t do my floor until Wednesday, so that would work. I always stress-out, over the Annual Apartment Inspection, even though it is not a white-glove ordeal, yet there is a list of requirements that must be met. As the bulletin states: “The purpose of the inspection is to evaluate the condition of the apartments and housing quality.” They know that we don’t abide by all the rules, between inspections, such as “All items must be 6 inches from heaters,” but we must have them moved for the inspection, as well as clearing the space under the sink and basin to inspect the pipes. There’s more, but you get the idea.

I’d been feeling good, after my Tuesday acupuncture, but by Sunday, with the onslaught of heavy rains and the barometer change, I was experiencing my anxiety/depression syndrome and didn’t feel like any forward moving projects on my computer, but I continued picking up and putting away, plus odds and ends of cleaning. Monday, at noon, Marquam called to say he’s sick and wouldn’t be able to help me.

Great! That meant that I would have to do it myself and flare-up the pain of my fibromyalgia, in my arms and back. In addition, he still hasn’t fixed my vacuum cleaner, which is no longer working, nor would he be able to bring his vacuum, so I got the one downstairs, for our use. I had to rest several times, during the vacuuming process, but I got it done. However, when I finished, I noticed smoke coming from its vent, along with a bad odor, like rubber burning. Oh well, at least I got the floor vacuumed, but when I returned to my apartment, it really smelled bad, so I opened the windows and turned on my air purifier.

I had to rest some more, before continuing, and then prepared the stove top and oven. Fortunately, I don’t use the over, so I only had to wipe it out, but even that caused my head to spin, so more rest. Using the cob-webber made me nauseous, due to Vertigo, so I had to lie down. Somehow, I made it through the basic cleaning, on Monday, plus putting the plastic boxes in the corner.

Tuesday, I was gone all day to Writers Support Group and thankfully had another acupuncture treatment, which perked me up for the pre-Bingo dinner and game.

Thankfully, I had a good night’s sleep and awoke Wednesday morning in time to do the last-minute preparations for the Apartment Inspection, such as remove decorations from the window-sill, but I didn’t bother to take the trays out of the oven, because I had no place to put them.

Barbara, the manager, and her brother, Doug, the maintenance man, arrived at my door, at 9:30 A.M., after completing the last four apartments on the third floor. Both were in good moods and busily went through their inspection process, while pleasantly chatting, which helps with the stress factor; for them and the tenants, no doubt.

I felt relief when the inspection was done and I had no infractions, even though I hadn’t moved the trays from the oven. However, I now had to prepare for my monthly ½-hour session with the free computer aide, from the library, who would be here at 10:30, which meant packing my laptop and taking my list.

I’ve learned not to expect to get much accomplished, because whatever project I’ve planned always takes longer, and this was no exception. My main project was to print out return address labels and I had the proper forms, so this should be easy. Wrong!

First problem: My computer would not talk with the public printer, which is available for our use, so Natalya, the Russian speaking aide, said we could e-mail my template to their computer and then print it out. Wrong! The three computers were in use. Okay, we’ll wait, but by the time they were through, my time was almost up. No problem, it wouldn’t take long to print it out. Wrong! There was some technical problem that would allow the project to be completed.

The next people, two Russian ladies, were already waiting for Natalya’s help, so I explained to the one who speaks English that we were delayed, because a woman had been pounding on the front door and I had to answer, because Barbara and Doug were doing apartment inspection. I explained, through the door, that we were not allowed to let anyone in, but she desperately stated that her mother-in-law was having a stroke and she needed to get to her, so, of course, I let her in, as she asked me to hold the door open, for the firemen and ambulance drivers, which I did.

Of course, all this took our time, and then residents came by asking what happened and to whom, which took more time. Needless to say, my computer project did not get accomplished.

By this time, I gave up trying to get any of my computer or writing projects accomplished, so I worked the puzzle awhile and then came home and watched “The Eddy Duchin Story, with Tyrone Power and Km Novak, on TV, which I totally enjoyed. And so, that was my day!

Writers Support Group Flashback: 2004

I’ve been re-reading several of my past Diaries, in an effort to find when I started attending the Writers Support Group and discovered that it was in September 2004: over ten years ago. Bob, the co-facilitator, and I were trying to remember how we got started there. He has been going even longer and we remembered that had he told me about the group when we attended an Alanon Meeting. He’s a retired United Methodist Minister, Alcohol and Drug Rehabilitation Director and now calls himself a “Bumper Sticker Philosopher.”

We’ve certainly seen a lot of writers come and go, although it is a small group, varying between four and ten members. We could write a book about our experiences in the group and some of the wonderful stories and poems they’ve written, but we’re too busy writing our own projects. Most of us are seniors and several members of our group have died and others have had health challenges.

In fact, Bob has been undergoing treatment for cancer, which has left him quite weak and he needed a cane, for awhile, but he arrived without one, last week, and we all cheered. He and his wife, Sarah, have made the painful decision to sell their condo and move into a retirement facility, which is a difficult milestone to face; believe me, I know how that feeling goes.

Nelle, who is now in her nineties, recently broke her leg in three places, so she has been in the hospital, but she is now home and hopes to return to the group soon. She has been writing her memoirs about being a Rosy the Riveter and woman marine, and then her life thereafter.

Bend, Oregon Flashback

To my dismay, while reading that diary and one from 2003, when I was living in Bend, Oregon, in another facility owned by the same company as this one, I feel like these past twelve years have been a waste of time, with Pinochle, Bingo games, potlucks, TV, walks and other retirement activities. Yet, I’ve also accomplished a lot, such as my writing and website projects, although I’m frustrated that I haven’t been able to move forward with them, as I’ve wanted; partly because of lack of funds, but mostly due to the blockages that I’m finally releasing, thanks to the acupuncture.

I’ve been reading about the various people, in my life, during these years and I can’t even remember one lady whom I mentioned quite often when living in Bend. My daughter, Gail, also lived nearby and we spent some time together, but she had her mental and physical health challenges, including her addiction to pain pills, then, as well as now.

I was in the depth of grief, over the separation and divorce from my husband, Van, which took me until the last few years to recover. In the long run, because of the effects of that loss, I guess the time was well spent, while in Bend, attending grief support groups, therapy and counseling. I even started a CODA Twelve Step Group and I was active in the Unity Church. I attended CODA and Unity here, in Portland, too, after Gail and I decided we wouldn’t spend another year in the cold winters of Bend and moved here in June 2003.

My recovery process has taken far longer than I think it should, because I’ve wanted to move forward with my website project, and often I wonder if it is even part of God’s Divine Plan for Good; so I keep doing what I’m doing; playing pinochle and other retirement activities, plus writing and taking care of myself.

“Spirit Guides my Every Step”

Thankfully, while sinking deeper into despair over the wasted time these past twelve years, I read my Daily Reading, which gave me the words I needed: “Sometimes I’m unclear about my purpose and direction in life. I may feel confused, stagnant, or lost. When this happens, I turn within and listen to Spirit guiding my every step.

“I release any worry about the future and trust the still, small voice in my heart. I ask for the next small step, and take action.

“A baby who has just learned to stand does not know he or she is also building the necessary skills to walk, run, and dance. Like the infant, I may not understand how the steps I am taking now will serve as the foundation for my journey. I have faith as Spirit within guides my choices. As I listen and follow my inner guidance, I know I am on the right track.”

The Bible verse reads: “Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path” (Psalm 119:105).


“Saying ‘Yes’ to God”

Finally, as the month of January is coming to a close, in its last week, I felt guided to re-read the Twelve Powers books on Faith, starting with William Warch’s “How to use Your Twelve Gifts from God,” and was reminded of the words that I originally titled my first book on the Twelve Powers: “Faith is Saying ‘Yes’ to God.” It’s the one with my friend, Keith’s cartoon graphics along with my course on Faith and the Freedomers sharings. It was created before my writing teacher, Chris, taught me how to write properly.

About that time, someone said, “I’d like your course, but I don’t want to read what some loser criminal has to say.” So, I rewrote the book properly, using Chris’s edits, and I separated the course into two booklets: Part 1: My course; Part 2: The Freedomers. For some reason, I left out the cartoon graphics, which I dearly love. One of my projects is to redo the original format, with the proper text for my course, the cartoon graphics, the responses of the Freedomers who took the course, and the sharings of other Freedomers that appeared in my publication, “The Rainbow Connection.” It will be presented as an E-book, when this project is completed. I suppose it could be published as an E-book, when I have the money, and when I’m guided who to have publish it; easier said than done. It’s complicated technology. I’ve completed the two formats for all twelve booklets, but I never had them combined with the cartoon graphics and other material. I’m not sure I’ll make that effort, although I have the material.

In any event, it is important to realize that Faith and belief are two different things. Faith, like Love and the other Twelve Powers, is a God quality that everyone has. Belief is the activator of Faith; it cannot be activated until you believe in God, the good. In other words, Faith, without belief lies dormant; what you believe is what you get, whether good or bad; that’s why we must develop the habit of affirming “Yes,” to God, the good and surrender our will to God’s Will. Pray and turn the results over to God, trusting that He will fulfill your desires in the right and perfect way; though it may not be how you think it will happen.

The more we say “Yes” to God and the more we accept the positive results, the more we are preparing within for their acceptance. The above explanation is the reason that some prayers are answered and some are not.

Book: E-squared by Pam Grout

Sunday, Rev. Lisa talked about a book called E-squared by Pam Grout. It fits right in with the subject of Faith and Belief, but I’m not going to write any more than to say it supports the ideas of Quantum Physics and what I write about, but don’t necessarily practice. Here are the nine spiritual experiments she suggests:

These are the spiritual experiments you can prove in E-Squared:

  1. There is an invisible energy force or field of infinite possibilities.
  2. You impact the field and draw from it according to your beliefs and expectations.
  3. You, too, are a field of energy.
  4. Whatever you focus on expands.
  5. Your connection to the field provides accurate and unlimited guidance.
  6. Your thoughts and consciousness impact matter.
  7. Your thoughts and consciousness provide the scaffolding for your physical body.
  8. You are connected to everything and everyone else in the universe.
  9. The universe is limitless, abundant, and strangely accommodating.

This is where the difference between faith and belief comes into play, but I don’t feel like playing these games right now. I’m too busy trying to keep up with what I believe is God’s Divine Plan for Good for me. I’ll expand on this subject, later.

Another Rejection?

For now, I have another story to unweave and perhaps there will be some answers, by the time I’ve finished writing it.

I’ve been waiting for Rev. Casey to have the time and inclination, once she recovered from her cancer healing treatments, to move forward with our BLOG. I’ve felt that God guided us together, for this purpose and everything about it seemed so right: she’s into metaphysics and twelve steps, technology and marketing; and she’s receptive to my material.

Sunday, before our monthly Step 11 potluck gathering, I asked her and her wife/partner, Rev. Berdell, to listen while I presented my ideas, and then discuss where we are and where we are going.

Both were totally supportive and interested in my project, but concluded that they simply do not have the time, since they are developing their own Meow Space product to sell online, as a source of income. It has really taken off and it demands their attention. Furthermore, they do not have the knowledge and ability necessary for my project; however they will keep it in mind to find someone who will be able to do it, while serving as my cheerleaders.

I’m pleased to report that, for a change, I do not feel rejected nor depressed about this turn of events, but I feel supported, if not disappointed. Furthermore, I feel that if it’s not them, then there is someone else who is right for the project and God will guide us together, when the time is right.

One component of “the time being right,” is when I have the money to pay the expenses involved, although Casey and Berdell say that money is not an issue; at least, it wouldn’t be with them. The other consideration is that I have not been ready or able to fulfill my part, which has taken this long for the recovery from my husband, Van, leaving me and throwing me back into my abandonment syndrome, including my inner child withdrawing and protecting herself from the fear of further rejections, by not putting herself or my writings out there for further criticism.

I came forth with these realizations as a result of Rev. Casey’s brief talk with us, after the potluck when she asked us about our fears that are keeping us from our desires. So, this goes back to E-squared, Quantum Physics and my own writings, along with all the other writers of the same subjects.

More Awakening

With this in mind, I decided to ask Seth, my student acupuncturist, if there was acupuncture for this purpose. As it turns out, the inner child recovery and emotional issues such as mine are his area of expertise and he plans to specialize in such matters. Wow! This is definitely a God-thing and I’m so grateful that I’ve been able to get to the clinic very early, so I can have Seth continue these treatments, since it’s on a first come-first served basis.

When he discussed my request with Charles, his supervisor, who is sensitive to my spiritual path, after feeling my pulse (from the Oriental perspective), they both felt that it was time for another session of the H-W treatment (the one that unblocked where I was stuck before). This is called Five-Element treatment, which is a specialized training that is not readily available, so I am thankful that God has brought me to these two men, at this time. Furthermore, this program, at OHSU’s Richmond Clinic, is free; otherwise, I could not afford it. Thank You, God!

Charles was explaining to me that the reason for repeating this treatment is because it is cyclic, and I had reached another deeper level, where it would be of benefit. I was amazed to hear what he was saying, because I write about this cyclic, spherical spiral (like a nautilus). In fact, I asked him if he’d been reading my books. Obviously, it is not original with me; in fact, Carl Jung wrote about it too.

It’s hard to explain the emotional and physical experience of oneness, as these two men worked with me, but I knew, without doubt, that I was exactly where I was supposed to be; and I’m on exactly the path I’m supposed to be on, so it is not necessary for me to get involved with E-squared to achieve the desired results. God, in me, as me, through me, knows exactly what I need, when, where and with whom. All I have to do is relax and wait for His guidance; and then follow it. I will know what is right, so I’m releasing all frustration and impatience; and, in fact, I’m taking today off to write and rest, from the effects of the acupuncture, which was extremely intense and painful, but worth it, for the desired results. I’m sure I will be writing more on the results, as they unfold. I’m also certain that this is all part of the “Awakening,” which is my new name on the white stone. And, of course, with the slate wiped clean, as suggested by the white stone, which was given to prisoners and slaves, when they were set free, I’m facing another fresh start or new beginning, in this month of January, which isn’t over yet.

I See with New Eyes

In the meantime, God has given me these words from the Daily Reading: “I open my mind and heart to dynamic new ideas.”

It continues: “By opening my heart and mind, I expand my spiritual vision and encompass a wider view. A fresh perspective allows me to perceive new and unexpected ideas. I am no longer bound by limited thinking and see opportunities I might have previously missed. I am seeing with new eyes.

“When I look beyond my own needs and desires and strive to serve others, my intuitive nature awakens. I align with the inner timing of life. I know when to wait and when to boldly move ahead. I trust my inner guidance and relax with inner assurance. As I expand my view to new opportunities, I proceed with full confidence. I am happy and grateful for my positive perspective of life.”

The Bible verse reads, “So then, whenever we have an opportunity, let us work for the good of all, and especially for those of the family of faith” (Galatians 6:10).

A New World Awaiting

In these last few days of January, I felt Guided to read about Faith in the book “Your God-Given Potential” by Winifred Wilkinson Hausmann. In fact, I read several chapters preceding Faith, which relate to the title of her book and I felt lead to summarize them here, starting with the above sub-title. She says, “Within each person there is a new world awaiting discovery.” She describes a world of unlimited strength, perfect knowing, radiant life and more, such as imagination and the other twelve powers. She refers to Paul’s “new creation” person, whom we can all become, by “developing and expressing our God-given potential.”

This, of course, refers to the Twelve Powers within us that Charles Fillmore (co-founder of Unity) called “the blueprint for the person of the new age.” This spiritual quickening must be “brought about by the gradual refinement” rather than some miracle of God. In other words, it is our Divine Assignment.

The author states that to develop these twelve qualities, we must study them and relate to them “in an enlightened way, through prayer and attention and let them grow, under the direction of the Christ, our own spiritual nature.”

She warns that we are not to develop these powers for personal gain or power over others, because “we are entering into the next step of our evolutionary process,” and to use them wrongly could cause us to be “destroyed by them”

Charles Fillmore warns: “The electronic energy in man is a form of fire,” which should be used unselfishly, because otherwise “It becomes destructive, through the crosscurrents that it sets up in the nervous system.”

On the other hand, the author states: “Used positively, this power can be a force for good…. Our work is to activate them, which we are “literally calling forth the positive, powerful current of the God idea within us that is unlimited.”

To develop these powers, she says “Our work is to transmute the natural powers (starting where we are in consciousness and spiritual growth) into the spiritual powers we are designed to express for the fulfillment of our Christ potential. This concept is explored and nurtured through prayer as it gradually grows into the spiritual idea from which it came. Finally we have no sense of separateness, but rather a realization of our oneness with the God-power itself, expressing through us entirely under the direction of the Christ. Then, and only then, we are ready for the next giant step in the evolutionary process of mankind.”

She says, “Our highest aim, that of learning to express our spiritual nature, will pay the greatest dividends in soul satisfaction and discovery of the meaning of life here on earth.”

Her book and others, such as Sig Paulson’s “Your Power to Be,” Charles Roth’s “A Twelve-Power Meditation Exercise” and William Warch’s “How to use your Twelve Gifts from God,” plus my “Transformation’s Twelve Powers” (on my website: InnerFreedom.org) give steps for developing these Twelve Powers.


It’s the last day of January and I’ve spent it searching through all of my Faith files. It all started when I went downstairs last night to check my mail and spotted a two-drawer metal file cabinet by the give-away table. I’d been wishing I had one, because my cheap plastic files only open part way and then tip when I pull out the drawer, making it undesirable to work with them.

The problem is that the file looked too wide, so I went upstairs, got a file folder and returned to measure it. Sure enough, it was way too wide, so the files wouldn’t stand up. I knew that a resident who is moving lives on the first floor, so I asked her how she used it. She said she turned the files sideways. As we discussed the matter, I remembered that I had bought adjustable metal racks for my files, which I could do for this one, so I decided to take it.

I’d planned to wrestle the thing, on a dolly to my apartment, but her son, who was helping her move, offered to help me. Thank You, God! He got it to my apartment and waited while I unloaded the files from the plastic one, into the metal cabinet and discovered there is a sliding metal piece that holds the files into place, which Michael (her son) adjusted as I added the files. Within minutes, it was done, he loaded the plastic container onto the dolly and away it went to the give-away area.

I’m so excited with this wonderful metal cabinet that I stayed up until after midnight, arranging my “Transformations Twelve Powers” files, so now I can easily find whatever I’m looking for. It feels so neat and orderly and, somehow, it feels that I’ve moved to another new level in my forward movement.

I spent today sorting through the Faith files, looking at all the wonderful, inspiring material sent by the Freedomers and others, relating to Faith, Agreements, Commitments, Trust, Beliefs, Credos and Creeds, Prayer, New Beginnings and even Awakenings. Now, at least, when the time is right, I’ll be able to find the files for creating the complete “Saying ‘Yes’ to God” series into one book with the course, the responses to the questions by the Freedomers who took the course, the other Freedomers’ sharings and Keith’s cartoon graphics relating to the course. Whew! What a job that will be, but I feel ready for the task, thanks to my recent acupuncture.

This file cabinet feels like a milestone or turning point, in my new beginnings, and certainly part of my awakening.

Also, today, with the help of prayers, I found the story about Earnest Plemmons, our Prayer Ministry Director, who was an Inside Freedomer, with whom I corresponded for many years and then went to visit, in our RV, where he lived, when paroled, in Burnsville, North Carolina. My husband and I were treated like visiting royalty, although I’m sure they must have saved from his meager income to take us to dinner at the town’s Western Sizzler for dinner and MacDonald’s for breakfast. What a treat and I’ll never forget it. I also searched for and found the pictures of our time together; all in separate locations (not in the files I’d been sorting). I’d told my friend, Doris, about visiting Earnest, in our RV travels and she suggested I read the story during our Writers Support Group, so I now have everything I need to tell the story of Earnest.

I re-read many items that I have not entered into the computer, as yet, so I decided to share several here, this last day of the Faith Power.



For My Relationships with Others

By Thomas Gordon, Ph.D.


You and I are in a relationship which I value and want to keep. Yet, each of us is a separate person with his own unique needs and the right to meet those needs.

When you are having problems meeting your needs I will try to listen with genuine acceptance in order to facilitate your finding your own solutions instead of depending on mine. I also will try to respect your right to choose your own beliefs and develop your own values, different though they may be from mine.

However, when your behavior interferes with what I must do to get my own needs met, I will openly and honestly tell you how your behavior affects me, trusting that you respect my needs and feelings enough to try to change the behavior that is unacceptable to me. Also, whenever some behavior of mine is unacceptable to you, I hope you will openly and honestly tell me your feelings. I will then listen and try to change my behavior.

At those times when we find that either of us cannot change his behavior to meet the others needs, let us acknowledge that we have a conflict-of-needs that requires resolving. Let us then commit ourselves to resolve each such conflict without either of us resorting to the use of power or authority to try to win at the expense of the others losing. I respect your needs, but I also must respect my own. So let us always strive to search for a solution that will be acceptable to both of us. Your needs will be met, but so will mine—neither will lose, both will win.

In this way, you can continue to develop as a person through satisfying your needs, but so can I. Thus, ours can be a healthy relationship in which each of us can strive to become what he is capable of being. And we can continue to relate to each other with mutual respect, love, and peace.”

Wow! There wouldn’t be any divorces or fights, if people could live by this Credo.


Here is another one:

Faith is…Preparing to live to be one hundred.

“Indeed, You have made my days as handbreadths. And my age is as nothing before You.”

Not preparing to live to be one hundred is to be controlled by a lack of faith!

Doubt tells you that you are getting old and you ought to give up and simply die. If you are eight years old, get excited about your future. When you are one hundred years old you’ll look back and say, “I wish I had realized how young I was when I was eighty years of age. If only I had known I had a fifth of a century still ahead of me!”

Prepare yourself to live to be one hundred! What goals do you have today? What good do you still want to accomplish? Imagine yourself being alive, awake, active, alert, and enthusiastic until the end—and your faith will make it so! (Author unknown).

Here’s the last one that should be at the beginning of this chapter, rather than the end:

“January is a great time to make resolutions. I’d like to share my list with you.” (I don’t know where this came from or who wrote it).

  1. I will place my attention on the things I choose to have rather than the things I am afraid I might be getting.
  2. I will love my body exactly as it is and take better care of this wonderful temple of spirit.
  3. I will allow money to circulate with ease in my life and know that there is plenty to spare and plenty to share.
  4. I will treat time with as much respect as I accord money.
  5. I will step out and up, letting my light shine.
  6. I will accept the best as naturally as the Beloved Child of God can be expected to accept life.
  7. I will clarify my thinking about the difference between critical thinking and intelligent judgment.

These are my seven resolutions and I offer them as springboards for your own thinking. Since each of us is unique and marvelous, you may find your resolutions are quite different. That’s fine—we have many different ways of living positive lives. Happy New Year!


This is the longest chapter ever, and it is full of experiences and ideas relating to Faith this January of 2015, but in retrospect the month and the chapter relate to my new name on the white stone: Awakening; and I have certainly been doing that. Even sorting through my files in my new cabinet has seemed like coming out of a coma, into a new awakening.

With this in mind, as the month ends and I approach a new Power, I’ll close the chapter with the following appropriate Daily Reading: “I have Faith in God to direct my way.”

It continues: “In the past, I may have trusted limited ways of thinking or sources outside of myself for direction and understanding. But now I have faith in the Christ Presence within—God in me—to lead my life in the right direction. God is within me always. I can trust Spirit with my life.

“When challenges arise, or if questions and fears come to mind, I keep my faith in the Christ Presence. In my prayers, I ask for the next step. With confidence, with poise, and in peace, I follow the way that is made clear.

“If I have more than one choice, I trust in Spirit to help me choose wisely. As I walk in faith, my way becomes clear.”

The Bible verse reads: “Jesus said to him, ‘Receive your sight; your faith has saved you’” (Luke 18:42).